HalfMast
by Andorian Ice Princess-AIP
Summary: My thoughts as to what each officer of the 55th might have been thinking at the end of 'Superheroes'. Chapter 2 is my thoughts on the Paramedics as they arrived at the scene.
1. The Cops

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Title: Half-Mast

Rated PG-13 - Angst

Series: Third Watch

Author: Andorian Ice Princess

Contact: jazzy_888@yahoo.com

Summary: My thoughts as to what each of the officers of the 55th might have been thinking at the end of 'Superheroes'

This is a piece of fan fiction. It is written for pleasure and not for profit. The characters of Bosco, Faith, Davis, Sully, Doc, Kim, Jimmy, Alex, Carlos, Gusler, Ross and Sgt. Christopher are all property of Third Watch and NBC, John Wells, etc etc. 

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I can't stand to fly  
I'm not that naive  
I'm just out to find  
The better part of me   
  
I'm more than a bird; I'm more than a plane  
More than some pretty face beside a train  
It's not easy to be me 

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**Officer Ty Davis:**

Was I too harsh on Sully? Why didn't he just listen to me? Why did he let his anger get the better of him? Doesn't he trust me yet? Doesn't he know that I'd follow him into hell and cover him if that's what he asked? Doesn't he know me well enough to know that in any situation I would willingly take a bullet for him? Die for him? He should have waited. He should have called for backup. He should have listened to reason, to me. Why didn't he just wait? Was he so consumed by anger and rage that he forgot sense and reason? Was he so blinded by justice that he forgot moral sense? I don't get it man. I just don't understand what went wrong today!

And Alex. Why didn't I just tell my mom about her right then and there. I could see her face, the pain, the worry, the relief. I mean it if was the other way around I'd be worried as hell. And women worry more. And I brushed it off as nothing. I could see her face when I pulled my hand away, the look of hurt, of pain, of disappointment. One of the guys? What was I thinking? Was I thinking my mom wouldn't like her? My mom would like Alex. And even if she didn't, does that matter? Isn't the fact that _I_ like her supposed to be enough? Isn't love supposed to transcend those superficial racial boundaries? I guess today proved it doesn't.  
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Wish that I could cry  
Fall upon my knees  
Find a way to lie  
About a home I'll never see 

  
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**Officer John Sullivan:**

Oh my god what happened today? I lost my temper, I nearly lost my partner and I probably lost my wife. And for what? To prove to everyone that I can take on anyone and nothing will happen? That I can withstand any attack that I am forced to witness and try to better it? That just because I have been on this job longer than many that I automatically know how to react perfectly in every situation? I have never let anger control my life, why today? Why did anger get the better of me? Sure we walked into an ambush, but if I had listened this all wouldn't have happened like it did. Ty wouldn't have been shot. What did I have to prove today? Ty was right. Tatiana was right. I was wrong. I should have called for backup. Of course Davis would be there to back me up. I have no doubt. How often do I tell him? How often do I prove to him that I trust him with my life? How often to I show him that he is much more than just a partner to me? That he is I my friend! I nearly lost him today. And what if I did? What if I wasn't able to get him to the hospital in time? What if the shooting continued? What if the bullet struck someplace else? Like with Ross? What would I have done then? What reason would I have given to his mother? To my boss? To my friends? To myself? And for what? To take orders from a madman? Today I let another man dictate my actions; I let Cherchenko tell me what to do. When I took this job it was with the sworn duty to serve and protect. But to serve the people of New York, not one man. To serve the innocent not condemn them. But I gave in and now I'm alone once again. Alone in the dark, with the thoughts that today I failed.

And Tatiana. I failed her today most of all. When I married her I took a vow, 'forsaking all others'. That means more than just other women. Today I failed her and now she's gone. Gone where? I can't even send protection against a madman for her. I should have listened to her. I should have heard what she was really trying to say. She loves me, cares about me, obviously she's going to be worried. And I pushed it aside as if I knew better, as if it was nothing. I don't know everything about the system, how it works and how it fails. And I can't read people like I like to think I can. My duty was to her. Sure Sergei is an ingrate. But he's still her son, her blood, her life. And today I came between that. What happens if she dies? How in the world will I live with that? With that bloodguilt? With that failure? Today I took it upon myself to go above and beyond that, to go above and beyond the normal human boundaries. Today I failed in my job. Not as a New York City police officer, but as a husband and father. And although I did somewhat fail in my duty as an officer to protect my partner, my real obligation was to my family; to my wife and I failed. How in the hell can I do something simple like my job when I can't even manage something complicated like my life? My home? My future? Myself?  
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It may sound absurd; but don't be naive  
Even Heroes have the right to bleed  
I may be disturbed; but won't you concede  
Even Heroes have the right to dream  
It's not easy to be me 

  
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**Officer Faith Yokas:**

Today I killed a man. I didn't ask why. I didn't stop to ask why. I just fired. Then I just walked away like it was nothing. I saw my partner run and my instincts; my soul told me to protect him. Oh Bosco I just couldn't let you sacrifice yourself and not be there with you, I just couldn't take the risk of losing you without trying to help, watching you die and not be alongside. Lose you to a madman for no reason. My life would be empty without you there. I try to tell you, but just can't find the words. I try to show I care, but can seem to do it properly. I'm so afraid of losing you Bosco, that I didn't even think about Gusler, I just ran, I didn't think about getting myself killed I just had to protect you. I didn't stop to think that Gusler wasn't ready for this kind of situation. I just knew to run. Run to Bosco, firing as I did. Taking a life as I did. Killing a man as I did. He's my partner, my duty was to him, my obligation was to protect him. And I did. Didn't I? I just couldn't lose him. I couldn't. 

But I also killed another man today. I might not have pulled the trigger or pushed him out the window, but I might as well have. I talked him into putting his life at risk. I persuaded him to get involved when from the start he didn't want to. I thought I knew better. I thought I could protect him. I thought it would end and be done with. I was wrong. I never thought how it would affect him until it was too late, until Ross's death showed me the gravity of the situation, until Cherchenko laughed in my face. He didn't commit suicide, I killed him. I wonder what he thought when they came into his apartment? I wonder what he thought when they threw his harmless old body to its death out the window of his home? The one place he thought he was safe. I wonder whose name he cursed just before he hit the car, as he flew through the air? Was he dead on impact? If not, how long did he live, lying there slowly dying, in agony? What did he think? Who did he blame? People saw him lying there, heard the alarm, and no one saw anything! No one called for help, just like he in the beginning. Just before he died who did he blame? 

Today I killed a man, his suffering is over, but my suffering is only just beginning.  
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Up, up and away; away from me  
It's all right; You can all sleep sound tonight  
I'm not crazy; or anything 

  
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**Officer Maurice Boscorelli:**

Ross is dead! How the hell did that happen? I never thought he was at danger, at risk. I never thought that my actions might have brought about his death. Did I kill him? But what if I stayed also? Would I also be dead? The more I look at the diagram before me the more I realize what really happened today. Today Ross died! But how? Who pulled the trigger? Who fired the shot? Oh god tell me it wasn't Faith, please let her be spared this pain and sorrow. Tell me she won't have to live with that, Ross's death at her hands, a mistake! But I don't know who killed him, I didn't see. I was too busy trying to draw attention to myself by doing the unthinkable. Even Ross told me I was nuts. Did I listen? Do I ever listen? Am I really the Midas man? Is everything I touch really condemned? 

I thanked Faith. What else could I do? She was there for me, like she always is, always has been, and probably always will be. She ran into automatic weapon fire just to save my butt. And what did I do to deserve it? What do I ever do to deserve her affection? Her protection? Her kindness? It wasn't her job to run after me, she did it because she cares. How the hell does a guy contemplate that? How the hell does a guy live with the fact that someone actually believes that his life is worth more than their own? That's what Faith showed me today. She showed me that if I was going to get shot and die, she'd be right there with me. How do I live with that?

And Ross. I hardly new him and now he's dead. I had his blood on my face and hands. I can still feel his body heat as he lay there dying, perhaps already dead when I found him. I tried to help him, tried to breath life back into him, but it was no use. He was gone, is gone. He gave his life so that my heroics could be witnessed. He gave his life because I thought that I knew better and that it would give him a chance to take them down. But the more I look at this diagram before me the more I realize that I might have been wrong. I'm alive and Ross is now just a mark on a blackboard, an x in a diagram of death, a memory in a bunch of failed superheroes. I look back and forth on the diagram, back and forth, back and forth. My head is starting to hurt, the pain in my heart is growing. Ross is dead! I was wrong today; he did teach me something, I did learn something from him. Life is precious and once it's gone, no matter how much you beg, plead or bargain, once it's gone it's gone. Oh god, I'm alive today, what can I say?   
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I can't stand to fly  
I'm not that naive  
Men weren't meant to ride  
With clouds between their knees 

  
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**Officer Steven Gusler:**

What happened today? What the hell happened today? I have never experienced a day like today. Is this what this job is all about? Yokas killed a guy and just walked away like it was all in the line of duty, like it was nothing. Boscorelli ran into automatic weapons fire like it was nothing. Can I do that? Can I just take a life and pretend nothing happened? Today I gave into the one thing I was told could never factor into this job, fear of man. I saw my partner run into the line of fire to help a friend. And I froze. I didn't offer any help. Ross took his man giving his life in the process. I didn't. I gave into fear and weakness. Yokas said she wasn't going to tell; why is that? Sorrow? Pity? Shame? Today I gave into fear of man, the one thing I am never supposed to display on the job. Today I failed the system, I failed my partner, and I failed myself. 

Today I quit!  
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I'm only a man in a silly red sheet  
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street  
Only a man in a funny red sheet  
Looking for special things inside of me   
Inside of me…  
Inside of me…

  
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**Officer Benny Ross:  
  
****Peace at Last**  
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I'm only a man in a funny red sheet  
Only a man looking for a dream  
I'm only a man in a funny red sheet  
And it's not easy

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It's not easy… to be… me…

END  
**Feedback good or bad is always welcomed.**


	2. The Paramedics

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Title: Half-Mast - Chapter 2 - The Paramedics

My thoughts as to what each of the Paramedics might have thought as they arrived at the scene:

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Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?   
You been out ridin' fences for so long now   
Oh, you're a hard one   
I know that you got your reasons   
These things that are pleasin' you   
Can hurt you somehow 

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**Paramedic Doc Parker:**

What the hell is going on out here? This world has gone mad. I can see the bodies as I pull up, I can smell the gunpowder still hanging in the air and I can almost taste the battle even though it's ended. I see people rushing to me; I see bodies on the ground, some in uniform some not. Oh god what happened today? I can see the wasted life as I try to save one of the victims. To me he's a victim, a life cut down, to others he a villain someone deserving of death. Who makes that call? I can't. My job is to try to save them all. I can see Officer Boscorelli's pain as he shouts for me to come help his partner. My heart stopped when I thought it was Faith. I didn't know of the strain between them. I didn't know of the conflict. All I thought when Bosco said his partner was badly shot, was that I lost a friend. Then it became real to me. Then when I saw her and Bosco bending down beside the fallen officer for a brief second I felt relief. Is that selfish? I don't know anymore. I tried to help Ross, but he was dead when I got there. I knew for Bosco's sake that I had to try. I could tell by the look on his face and the panic in his voice that he felt somehow responsible. In what way? I don't know, and deep down inside I don't think I want to know. All I know is at a scene like this there are no winners and no losers; there are only live victims and dead ones. What the hell happened today? Two worlds collided at one small corner in New York, those for the city and those against! And today both sides lost.  
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Don' you draw the queen of diamonds, boy   
She'll beat you if she's able   
You know the queen of heats is always your best bet   
  
Now it seems to me, some fine things   
Have been laid upon your table   
But you only want the ones that you can't get 

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**Paramedic Carlos Nieto:**

Man what in the world happened here? As I rush to help the fallen officer I look at the ground below me. It littered with bodies, blood and sweat. I look at the fallen gang members as I rush by. How old are they? Probably my age, maybe younger, maybe older. And what kind of life do they have? What will be remembered of them? Who will think of them now that they are gone? Gone while trying to kill another gang. They are so stupid. They were given the same chance as everyone else and blew it. And what the hell for? So they could own some piece of cement that in truth doesn't belong to them anyways? I'm glad I know better. I'm glad that I wanted to do something more with my life. I could have ended up like them. Why didn't I? Sometimes I don't even know. But on days like today I do know, and I'm thankful.

I see the look of pain on Bosco's face as I work on the dead officer. I'm sure Bosco can taste this guys blood in his mouth. What happened? Why is he so frantic? How does someone just see this and walk away? I know this guy won't make it. And I usually laugh at Bosco, but today I feel sorry for him. I told him to get Doc just to show that sometimes doing your job means knowing when to hold your tongue and not tell them the truth. For a brief moment it worked. Sadly it didn't last.   
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Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no youger   
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home   
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'   
Your prison is walking through this world all alone 

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**Paramedic Kim Zambrano:**

Is this the world Joey will grow up in? Is the this the kind of place we are telling our kids is going to be safe and normal for them? Is this the legacy we will leave behind with pride? I see these guys and wonder what kind of family life they had. So young to die. So young to die like this. They weren't soldiers; they weren't police they were gang members. And for what? What did they have to prove? And to whom? Themselves? Another gang? I fear everyday that Joey will somehow grow up and be a victim that I have to treat one day. How will I live with that if I have to work on his body like I have to work on this guys? How will I be able to look at him and pronounce his death? And in that instance, if it happens, I will have failed. What will I tell myself then? Who will want to listen? Who will tell these guys parents? What will they say?   
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Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?   
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine   
It's hard to tell the night time from the day   
You're loosin' all your highs and lows   
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away? 

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**Paramedic Alex Taylor:**

Is this the world Ty faces everyday? Is this the kind of place he works in? The kind of circumstances he finds himself surrounded in day after day? I'm thankful I don't see him here. I'm thankful that he wasn't a part of this. I just can't understand people like this. They saw 9/11. They were there. Did it mean nothing to them? These guys are terrorists also. They might not target countries or even cities but to target other human beings no higher than they are is just wrong. Who gave them the authority to judge one over the other? Who told them they were better than another human being? Is it because of race? Drugs? Money? Or something else. Whatever it is it can't be worth a life. I look around at all the pained faces. I'm glad Ty isn't here. I wonder what sector he is in today? I wonder where he is. Man he'll be surprised when I tell him what I saw today.  
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Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?   
Come down from your fences, open the gate   
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you   
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late

END

**Feedback good or bad is always welcomed.**

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